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Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life

And I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever and ever amen

All that I am and all I will ever be is expanding from this mystery

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life

And I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever and ever amen

All that I want and all I’ll ever be is expanding from this loving seed

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life

And I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever and ever amen

Julie Renee Doering Sept 03

I was not born Catholic. To be Lutheran meant a religious training excluding the Divine feminine. I was raised in a church where Jesus was the sole and entire path to a life in heaven. I will readily acknowledge my own personal struggle with the Christian church based on patriarchal principles that are fraught with troublesome ideas like exclusion and superiority (supremacy attitudes). The historical church through time has majored in ‘political and social’ incorrectness.

Regardless of the troublesome issues of church politics, I loved the spiritual connection and the education I received. As an innocent child my home church, Valley of Peace Lutheran, till age ten and Holy Nativity till my marriage at age 18, were wonderful places to group up. I was given opportunities as a youth leader organizing youth Sundays and playing guitar for sing alongs to selfless service among the elderly and disabled communities.

I have always loved my personal relationship with Jesus who I often saw with my physical eyes. I loved singing scriptural hymns and felt the passion of worship in this charismatic church. Pastor Pete (Ron Peterson) could bring the gospels alive and light a fire in my spirit and to all those who heard his voice. I would blissfully sing and worship in praise of the Divine spending much of my formative years in the church and in service.

I married young and continued on my religious path serving in a small Lutheran church in southern Minnesota. My second home for those challenging years was First Lutheran Church. I was extremely active in the church, if there was something going on I was there participating, serving, guiding and lending a hand of support. I was an active member of the choir and soloist, member of the ladies circle, Bible school teacher, youth ministry councilor, Sunday school teacher, nursery sitter and was there with my whole heart and soul ready to serve and to praise God. It wasn’t uncommon for me to be found at the church five days a week.

Although I had made a poor match with my husband ~ my spirit and passion for living a Christ like life energized me with love and happiness.

Years in an abusive marriage wore on me and became intolerable. At age 16 I became engaged to a farmer 6 years my senior. We had made a vow to God not to divorce. Loyalty and this vow kept me way to long in a destructive marriage and by the time I left I was critically ill with a rare form of thyroid cancer and not expected to survive the year.

In this time period there were many days spent in the hospital. I was both sick In body and in my mind-emotions. My Doctor, concerned for me seeing I was losing touch with reality, suggested hospitalization in a mental health facility where I might find myself and ‘be’ right again. What had happened to me in the marriage had driven a wedge of insanity in the oddest way. I was still praising God, but I was beginning to create a make believe world where I was loved and cared for. The six reawakening weeks in the hospital brought me to a harsh reality, and with sanity in tack I emerged to face the most difficult year of my life.

I moved to a little duplex in town. Sadly I was shocked to find my church friends had no use for me or my willingness to serve. One morning heading off to the choir loft for Sunday morning praise, I was pulled aside and asked not to come back.

At first I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, my church, my path, my life was being removed from me. My maid of honor and a dear cousin told me during that time God would punish me for this unforgivable sin. Was I a wanton woman now? Something had gone very wrong. How had I thought that the ‘church’ would be there for me in my time of need? It is by faith alone that I survived this horrific time.

I share this part of my story for an important reason. Had this not happened I would have never become the woman I am now. The gifts of miraculous healing and teaching would never have developed. I would never have traveled to India or the mystical temples throughout Europe if my life had not been literally blown to pieces.

For the next 3 years I wandered in the darkness. I thought about Jesus, 40 days of testing in the desert. I was 25 with a terminal illness, I had lost custody of my three beautiful children and I was alone in the world without support, health or kindness. I cried everyday. I was afraid God had died. My prayers unanswered. Or so I believed.

I stopped praying.

Oh course I know now how important these steps where for my full experience and comprehension of human suffering and sacrifice.

As I progressed through that challenging time I was supported and watched over by large purple angels who enhance the lives of artists. I did well in college. Since I was extremely poor and was treated for cancer and illness for many, many years, I attended a community college where I maintained a Phi Theta Kappa standing.

My passionate nature helped me excel in the arts. My vocal chords had been paralyzed in the first cancer surgery, so the logical singing career was out. I could speak, but could not count on a stable singing voice.

I missed my daily interaction with Jesus. I missed the ritual and celebration of worship. I missed the connection and the bliss of prayer, mediation and singing praises to God. I was spiritually lonely.

Slowly, I found my way back. I put away my childish understanding of God and began to explore the nature and energy of the Divine. Around age thirty I began a very active exploration of all things of spirit. Over the next fifteen years I studied in India, with the Native Americans, the Gnostics and a New Thought Church. I investigated the Cabbala, the yogic Sutras, the mystical teaching about Christ and his 18 lost years.

I couldn’t get enough, the Dead Sea Scrolls and Nag Hamdi library gave me important history as a course in miracles and Jungian analysis encouraged my broken heart to come back to the world of humanity.

God was again alive! This God was larger then life, larger than my imagination and greater than I could have ever imagined with the simple understanding of my young religious experience. I went from being religious to being spiritual.

The experience of God cannot be understood through the mind. Love, wisdom, and that which is God must be felt through the heart.

When prayer is said with devotion, heaven and earth move. Body, mind, spirit and emotions which I later define as PEMAR: Perception, Essence, Matter, Energy, and Realms align for love, magic and miracles!