I am so grateful for the work we did with the ABA therapist (behaviorist) to help me manage Adelia’s moments of unreasonable rants. The thing I learned was to give her the direction on what was needed to move forward and wait. As well, look away but be present with a hand out to help when she was ready to do what was asked of her.
This has been so valuable as we have had way to many changes and I know Adelia as she’s yelling no about anything, or wining it is definitely not her fault, she is not trying to misbehave and is my privilege to help her get back to normal as fast as possible by not getting involved in her entertaining performances, but to stand steady and sure, knowing if I can just wait, sometime a while, her sweet loving self can come back to me and have it be her choice to do so.
The trick with little ones is to have patience and be able to wait. To let go of schedules and demands and wait. I honestly feel like this is saying I love you enough to help you through the discomfort and guide you to the loving behaviors that work well for being a successful human.
We had some public events this week, one at our pool. Adelia whined for 13 minutes in the water a few feet from me demanding I do something I definitely had not desire to do. I explained to her that her tone and whining was not appropriate and that she could easily do for herself what she wanted me to do. This is a side project we are working on, as a 4 year old next week, she can be much more independent and do more for herself.
The challenge was in or bubble she and I were fine, but there was a dad who didn’t have room for Adelia to work it out. He first demanded Adelia tell him where I was, I said I’m right here and she is doing unacceptable behavior. A few minutes later he offered as she was still in the process to help her get out of the water. I interfered with this and said she’s capable of getting out by herself. Though she would not have let him, she was almost in her calm brain. A minute later she got out, came over and hugged me and said I’m sorry mommy picked up her ball and went to play with her little friends in the pool.
I think it is our instinct to put out the fire of flooding emotions, but if we rush in and save others they do not get the ‘healing’, we rushed in, like that father had wanted to do, and if I had let him our cycle of behaviors would have continued.
Being a parent is tough at times. Knowing when to hold on and comfort, when to let the situation resolve by following a practice that supports the child to independent appropriate choices, and lastly to give as much loving guidance as possible without preaching.
Adelia wanted something, something I could not give her at the time. It completely shocked me when she yelled I Hate You 3x’s. Oh goodness, this came from her new school. I got very quiet. She realized there was zero response from me. Mommy what’s wrong? I explained those words are Demonic words and a curse on the person you say them to. We never use these words ever, because that hurt in the deepest way. We must use our words to uplift, and even the tone of our voice should be loving. If you are angry with someone say I am angry, frustrated or disappointed. She has loved learning this and we have had several conversations since about her conversations. She is a sponge wanting to know the secrets mommy knows about how to have others respond well to you!
Kids and our partners need to know how we feel and often need to be guided in the rules of a loving wise word. It is our privilege to love them well and teach them our wisdom.